SECRETS TO HEALTHY SELF-ESTEEM By Avinoam Lerner, CH

Tale of Two Wolfs

General Traits of Low Self-Esteem: Feeling unworthy of respect, happiness, love… Feeling as life dealt you an unfair hand… Beating yourself down… or feeling excessive guilt… Dominant thoughts such as “What if... I should have ... If only..” Feeling as if you have nothing to offer or contribute… Feeling inadequate, unattractive or unlikable… Feeling as if other people can see into you…

What is Self-Esteem? Self-Esteem reflects a person's overall evaluation or appraisal of his or her own worth.  ~ Wikipidia

Why is Self-Esteem Important? Self-Esteem can be the difference between success and failure. Self-Esteem affects your thinking, causing your outlook to be positive or negative. Self-Esteem affects your confidence. Self-Esteem affects your happiness.

How do We Feed the Wolfs? Lack of Satisfaction - the grass is always greener on the other side. Negative Self-Talk – putting ourselves down. Spending countless hours worrying about how people perceive of us Constantly second guessing our decisions. Not asking for what we really want or deserve.

Main Ingredients to Healthy Self-Esteem: Worth - feeling that you have value and worth as a person just by virtue of "being", not doing or accomplishing. You have a Fundamental right to be here and are entitled to happiness. Competence: being aware of your abilities and talents as well as your strengths.

Self-Esteem Killer # 1 One of the most important factors affecting self-esteem is the gap between your self-image, the way you see yourself in the moment, and your ideal-self, the way you would ideally like to be sometime in the future.

The Problem with Self-Esteem? What is this?

And What is This?

And This?

The Whole Truth (picture)

Self-Esteem Builder # 1 Setting Personal Boundaries “We have not only the right, but the duty to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us.” ~ Robert Burney, The Dance of Wounded Souls

Your Choice ~Excerpts from Robert Burney – The Dance of Wounded Souls Setting a boundary is not making a threat – it is communicating clearly what the consequences will be if the other person continues to treat us in an unacceptable manner. It is a consequence of the other person’s behavior: theirs and ours. Setting a boundary is not an attempt to control the other person – it is a part of the process of defining ourselves and what is acceptable to us. The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome.

Secrets to a healthy self-esteem: Stop worrying about the things you can’t change. Be more accepting of others and the things they can’t change. Do not compare with others. It’s unfair. You may compare their strengths with your weaknesses. Instead judge yourself in terms of your own growth. Have Realistic Expectations – We often try to copy models that appear to be perfect at everything.

4. Emphasize your strengths. 5. Change what can be changed. Some things fast, others gradual, and others never. There are things we inherit but we can change our attitude about it. 6. Practice positive self-talk and accepting compliments. Just say “thank you”. Give compliments to others. It will make you feel good. More Secrets:

7. Forgive yourself for your mistakes. 8. Focus on the good - Celebrate your achievements by regularly reviewing what went well instead of thinking only about problems or setbacks. 9. Set achievable targets and get regular feedback. 10. Remember that no one can fill your part in the world Even More Secrets:

The Truth about Self-Esteem You can have a healthy self-esteem and still have occasional bouts of self-doubt. Healthy self-esteem means thinking as highly of yourself as you think of your peers. A healthy self-esteem is compatible with humility, humility is not the same as self-effacement.

When You Have Healthy Self-Esteem You are capable to act more assertive without feeling guilty. Communication with other people feels easy and natural. You don't spend too much time dwelling on the past. You live in the present moment doing the best you can. The past is gone and you know that you cannot do anything about it. You feel equal to everyone. You know that nobody is better or worse than you. You do not allow others to manipulate you. Because you know how to be assertive you can easily handle these situations with a different attitude. Adaptation from www.selfesteemawareness.com

Cont’ You recognize and accept a wide range of feelings, positive or negatives. You share them with another person if you think it is healthy for the relationship. You enjoy different activities like work, play, walk, relax, etc. Balance is important in your daily life. You handle criticism easily without taking it personally. You know that you are learning and growing and are mostly independent of the good and bad opinions of others. You value yourself and you communicate better with other people. You are not afraid to express your feelings, likes and dislikes. Adaptation from www.selfesteemawareness.com

Reality Check: “You may think everyone is looking at you, making mental notes of your flaws, but you’d be surprised to discover how unaware others are. People are a lot alike when it comes to insecurity - they’re just as worried about themselves as you are about yourself.” ~ Candice Z. Watters

Thank You For more information on the topic discussed today or Avinoam Lerner, go to: www.MindBody101.com www.AvinoamLerner.com Or Call 617.564.0707 for a Free Consultation.