Dating, Marriage, & Childrearing Customs India India’s National Anthem "Jana-Gana-Mana" (Thou Art the Ruler of the Minds of All People)

Dating patterns in India are changing a little. It use to always be that your parents would arrange dates for you. You would meet and talk with them for what could be just a couple of times, and then get married. While there are still arranged marriages, nowadays parents are giving into their children’s more contemporary style of dating – but slowly. People of Indian upbringing can be set in the traditional ways of their ancestors. Indian teens will go out with a group of friends, which will include both males and females, and let the group help them get to know someone over time of whom they might take a liking to. **It is very different from the normality's of dating in the U.S. Here it is very common for a boy to pick up a girl at her house and then go on a date. But in India that would not happen. Dating Patterns & Contemporary Dating

Single men cannot take part in any kind of religious or marriage events because it is unholy or unlucky. The single life is easier for men than women. In many cases, if a women is not married, others assume that there is something wrong with her; she’s difficult to get along with, or she can’t compromise. They have continuing problems financially, little social support from family or friends, vast barriers in dating and remarriage, and experience loneliness as a result. As for how many people in India are single? I couldn’t find any statistical information. But, I would think that the number is on the rise due to the younger generations waiting to find “love marriages” instead of arranged, and more couples are cohabiting. Single Life

In March, 2010 by a three judge court (Chief Justice K.G.Balakrishnan,Deepak Verma and B.S.Chauhan) ruled cohabitation legal. “When two adult people want to live together, what is the offence. Does it amount to an offence ? Living together is not an offence, it cannot be an offence. Living together is a fundamental right under Article 21, Constitution of India”. Traditionally in India, cohabitation had been taboo (forbidden by custom). As for rural areas, cohabitation is still unpopular due to their close-to-heart conservative values, but this is not the case it big cities where cohabitation is becoming more commonplace each day. Cohabitation

Indian law guaranteed consent of sex to people 15 and up. In India, more than a quarter of young adults have premarital sex. Boy’s average 1st sexual experience age -17.4 Girl’s average 1st sexual experience age -18.2. People with strong religious beliefs or people in rural areas with strong traditional views are not too fond of pre-marital sex. Some are not even comfortable with lip lock until a long relationship occurs, much less sex. You’ll find later on in the ppt. that it is not customary for an Indian bride and groom to kiss on their wedding day! I guess really acceptance in India of pre-marital sex is just a personal thing. Some accept it and some don’t. But as far as the legal aspect, it’s legal after 15. Pre-Marital Sex

Up until 2009, when Delhi High Court ordered decriminalization of gay sex, India had laws against homosexual sexual relationships. Any homosexual relationship could be deemed a crime punishable up to 10 years in prison. Homosexual marriages are still illegal in India. So many gays in India go to nearby Nepal where gay marriage has been legalized. There are about 2.5 million gays in India. But a common response about homosexuality in many communities of India is “We don’t have any”. While many people in this country either ignore or tolerate it, they still think of same-sex relationships as unlawful. Some homosexuals have received extreme hatred and death threats by their family who fear of being shamed. Homosexual Rights & Treatment

I couldn’t find much information on this but I am guessing that the man asks the woman to marry him given it is such a traditional country. The engagement ceremony is usually at the bride’s home or a banquet hall. This is where both the families meet for the first formal party. A formal ring ceremony is done to solemnize the couples engagement. Then they are introduced to each others families. Engagement Customs

A meal is prepared for all family and guests attending. This means a lot of food because a small engagement party can consist of 400 people (some of whom may not even know the bride or groom). ** One exception. During engagement parties for south Indian families, the bride and groom do not have to be present. It is more or less a commitment between the families. Also, if any gifts from guests are given to the couple, most ask for “no boxed gifts” which means they want only money. ** Note that in Indian culture when you are giving money/checks as gifts, give an odd number ($31, $63, $101) for good luck! Engagement Customs Cont.

“While the average age at marriage in India has been rising slowly over the past twenty years, the practice of child marriage is still widespread and young girls suffer most as a result of it”. According to Unicef’s Age at Marriage in India 2001 census, Average Female age: 18.3 **In Rajasthan, India 41% of girls between 15 and 19 are married. Average Males age: 23.7 You got married when?

Most weddings in India take place during October-February because the weather is much nicer. December and January are the busiest. Many people choose to get married at a luxury hotel, the beaches of Goa, or palaces of Rajasthanor. Families either plan it their selves or get a wedding planner. Many get a wedding planner to ease the stress. Wedding Plans

Pre- Wedding Practices& Events

This is an important pre-wedding ritual. Both families of the couple meet to celebrate elaborately through song, dance, and partying all night. The Sangeet

http://www.flickr.com/photos/15740359@N06/3062657819/in/photostream Song by Aisha. One style of music played during the Sangeet. Give it a listen, it’s not too bad!

Henna Artwork Henna staining is still practiced by Indian brides to be. On the eve of her wedding vows, following a traditional ceremonial cleansing, the bride-to-be will have her hands and feet painted with henna, in beautiful paisley or medallion patterns.

http://www.hennapage.com/henna/how/gilding/littlefeet2.jpg It's safe and painless because it does not require the skin to be pierced. It's completely natural and non-toxic. The leaves, flowers, and twigs of the henna plant are ground into a fine powder, then mixed with hot water. This paste is traced in a design on the desired body part

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_joSH_oKOwJQ/SwT4sGi5rvI/AAAAAAAADC4/D8xsyAks0O8/s1600/a1.jpg A mixture of lemon juice and sugar is put onto the drying artwork to "set it" and really show off its lustrous texture. The dried paste is taken off, leaving behind a stain or temporary tattoo. It's fun, beautiful, and as simple or complicated as you want it to be. It can last from a couple of days to a month.

You can get different shades by mixing in things like indigo, tea, coffee, cloves, tamarind, lemon, sugar, and oils. http://www.amillionlives.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/Henna-Art.jpg

A bride whose family has little money will wear henna or mehndi artwork in place of ornate gold jewelry. A Cool Note: A bride is not expected to perform any housework until her wedding mehndi has faded! http://ia700808.us.archive.org/zipview.php?zip=/10/items/olcovers629/olcovers629-L.zip&file=6296391-L.jpg

Indian weddings are huge events. They are noisy colorful family get-togethers, and are not complete without certain things – the religious ceremonies, the feast for the guests, and of course, the beautiful mehndi designs adorning the hands and feet of the bride and her friends. The Wedding http://www.bridalnbridal.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/Indian-Wedding-Dresses.jpg

The groom wears a kafni (long shirt reaching the knees) with pijamo (leggings) or dhoti (like an overgrown loincloth). The groom might also wear a turban and a sword with his wedding outfit. Traditional Indian brides wear pink and red Sari on their wedding day; aqua green, gold, aubergine, turquoise and royal blue are other nontraditional favorites . Brides adorn themselves extravagantly with as much jewelry as possible and are decorated with traditional henna painting. http://blushless.com/blog/tag/world-wedding-traditions/ http://nycweddingphotographyblog.com/?cat=972

Hindu (India) weddings take place outside, on earth, and under a canopy or Mandap. The four pillars holding up the Mandap symbolize the couples parents, and the Sacred Fire is located in the center. ** One Rule that cannot be broken: Anybody who enters the Mandap has to have sandals or slip on shoes that can be easily removed. What’s the Setting? http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UoQ32AY88mY/TcdyJly16XI/AAAAAAAAAE8/omurwm2-XNc/s320/traditional-outdoor-mandap-3.jpg

Wedding can be very extravagant like the pictures below. http://www.exoticindianweddings.com/

“The traditional wedding customs of India were formed more than 35 centuries ago. Each ceremony, occasion, and ritual has a deep philosophical meaning and purpose”. The wedding ceremony is performed in Sanskrit, (the most ancient language still used). While there are many versions of this marriage ceremony, most versions include the following common features in some order.  

The wedding day begins with the playing of a Mangal Vadya or the Shehnai and Naubat. **Shehnai – a traditional reed flute- like wind instrument. **Naubat -small drums. The Mangal Vadya http://www.dulhanexpo.com/images/press/shehnai1.jpg

Various pictures of Mangal Vadya http://www.istana.terengganu.gov.my/scan0030.jpg http://sembangkuala.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/perak-nobat-circa-1930s.jpg?w=584 http://images01.olx.in/ui/9/98/44/1290617193_141349444_2-Pictures-of--shehnai-player-in-delhi-1290617193.jpg

This is the welcoming of the Bridegroom. The groom arrives at the wedding hall entrance alongside his family and friends in style – with a group of dancers, and is seating either in a fancy car, on a white horse, or on the backs of elephants, and are greeted by the brides family and friends. The groom is first greeted by the brides younger sister or niece who is holding a water pot to satisfy his thirst and ward off any evil spirits present. Next he meets the brides mother. She performs a ceremony to ward off evil spirits he brought with him. Then he brakes a Saapath (clay pot) which symbolizes his strength and masculinity. He is then led to the Lagna Mandap (the stage or canopy) where the wedding ceremony is performed. ** One big difference I noticed is that in the U.S a wedding is usually focused on the woman “it’s her day”, but in India it seems to be opposite given such a grand entrance for the man. Swagatam

http://nycweddingphotographyblog.com/?p=8159

She is brought to the Lagna Mandap by her Mama or maternal uncle. He seats her next to a white curtain (symbol of traditional barriers). The brides father thanks the God’s. After that the curtain is removed. Then the bride and groom exchange flower garlands. Vermala, made of cotton threads, are bestowed on the couple to proclaim acceptance of each other. The Brides Entrance http://nycweddingphotographyblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/monishadeepakblog15.jpg

The wedding ceremony begins here with the worship of Lord Ganesha – the removal of all obstacles. The ceremonial offerings are given to Varuna – Lord of the Seas. A copper vessel containing water, flowers, and coconut is worshipped. Then they worship the Lords of creation, namely fire, earth, water, air, and light. Ganesha Puja http://devotionalonly.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/varalaksmi-devi-rituals.jpg

“Giving away the bride”. This is the MOST IMPORTANT part of the ceremony. The Bride’s parents pray to the Gods and tell the Groom, "On this Holy Occasion, we will give our daughter who is a symbol of Lakshmi, Goddess of Prosperity, to you in the presence of the Sacred Fire, friends, and relatives.” Kanya Daan

“Joining of the Hands” The brides right hand is placed in the grooms right hand and the scarves worn by them are tied together signifying unity. “The couple vows to remember the divine; to look upon others with sympathy, love, and compassion; to be strong and righteous; and show goodwill, respect, and affection to each others families”. Hasta Melap

“ Circling the Sacred Fire” The marriage is solemnized before the Lord Agni (sacred fire) a symbol of light, power, and purity. It acts as the principle witness to the ceremony. The couple now circles the fire four times. The first three times is lead by the groom and the bride leads in the last round. The brides brother or cousin gives offerings for the sacred fire after each circle. The first three represent the material wealth of cows, silver, and gold. The last one represents a gift from the bride to her new family. At the end, the bride stands left of the groom, symbolizing how she has taken a place closest to his heart. Mangal Fera

The groom offers a Mangal Sutra (sacred necklace) to his wife and puts Sindoor (red powder) on her forehead. This symbolized the mark of the married woman and also the mans love, integrity, and devotion to her. ** Unlike weddings in the U.S, traditional weddings in India do not include exchange of rings. Mangal Sutra & Sindoor

“ The Seven Steps” The bride and groom take seven steps towards/round the sacred fire. This represents the seven principles and promises to each other. Once done, the couple are united and seek blessings from Lord Vishnu the Preserver and his consort Lakshmi, The Goddess of Wealth. ** Note, you will not see the Bride and Groom kiss now like weddings in the U.S. Saptapadi

I quote: 1. Together, we will acquire energy to share in the responsibilities of married life. 2. Together, we will fill our hearts with strength and courage to accomplish all the needs of our life. 3. Together, we will prosper and share our worldly goods and we will work for the prosperity of our family. 4. Together, we will cherish each other in sickness and in health; in happiness and in sorrow. 5. Together, we will raise strong and virtuous children. 6. Together, we will fill our hearts with great joy, peace, happiness, and spiritual values. 7. Together, we will remain lifelong partners by this matrimony. Cont…

Blessings. The couple seeks blessings from Gods, and family by bowing to their feet. Married women whisper "Akhanda Saubhagyawati Bhav" (blessing for abiding marital happiness) in the Bride’s right ear. Ashirwad

“ Good- Bye”. This is the last ritual during the wedding ceremony. The bride throws a handful of rice in the air so that her childhood home remains prosperous and happy. Then the bride and groom thank everyone for joining in there celebration. Vidaai

In India, the menu is one of the most thought out choices. Indian cuisine is very diverse, so the type of food chosen will depend on where in India the couple is from. But in any situation, the menu is grand! In many parts of India, it is customary that as soon as the guest enter the venue of the wedding, they are given many snacks along with soda, coffee, soups, and liquor in some cases. This goes on until the wedding ceremony is finished and then it’s the real deal. The wedding feast begins with prayer. Then there is washing of hands by way of tash-t-nari – a jug and basin passed around the room. Food Choice

North and West: The meal is usually vegetarian. Also onion, garlic, chicken, and egg is not used. The menu would include things like rice, Dal Makhani, Shahi Paneer, Pulao, and Mixed Veg. They eat many milk based sweets. Their food reflects Kashmiri cuisines in central Asia. South and East: Traditional Foods like rice, dals, and curries. Fish and coconut are important. Potol Posto (veg), Muri Ghonto (non veg), Macher Kaalia (fish), Begun and Bhaja (veg), Roshogulla (Sweets) and Mishti Doi (sweet yogurt). In the North East: Mostly Non-vegetarian dishes; but will include fish, bamboo shoots, and rice dishes. Cont…

For sake of time I will just describe what the feast would be like in the north/west. Kashmiri chef’s prepare food in copper vessels over wood fires. A traditional Kashmiri chef would produce up to 36 courses! Hence the word FEAST. 15 of the dishes include meat cooked on a fire over night. Spices are used in different proportions to give every dish a unique smell. The Feast

An example menu…

http://indiaweddingdesigns.blogspot.com/2008/11/indian-wedding-dinner-menu-ideas.html NON-VEGETARIAN MENU I (copied from above website. All credit to them.) PASS AROUND SNACKS Samosa Fried Pyramid-Shaped Pastry Shell With A Savory Potato And Green Pea Stuffing Malmali Seekh Kebab Seekh Of Finely Minced Mutton Smoked With Singing Flavours Of Ghee, Cinnamon, Bay Leaf, Black Cardamom, Creating An Extraordinary Play Of Tastes. APPETIZERS Salad Bar (Cucumber & Tomato Slices, Onion Rings, Lemon Wedges) Pickles, Mango Chutney And Mint Sauce Mixed Vegetable Raita MAIN COURSE Bhatti Murgh –Tandoori Chicken Traditional Indian Speciality Of Chicken Marinated Overnight And Grilled On The Bhatti Classic Mutton Curry Cubes Of Lamb Gravy – Yoghurt, Onion, Cloves, Cinnamon, Cardamom Fish Goa Curry Chunks Of Boneless Sole Gravy – Tomato, Onion And Coconut Gobi, Gajar, Snow Peas Florets Of Cauliflower, Carrots And Pods Of Snow Peas Sautéed With Garlic, Chilli, Onions, Tomatoes And Garnished With Fresh Coriander. Aloo Zeera Potatoes Stir-Fried With Crushed Zeera Cumin Yellow Dal Tadka Popularly Known As ‘Dal Fry’ Husked Split Yellow Moong Lentils. Tempered In Ghee With Onions, Tomato, Garlic, Whole Red Chilies And Cumin. Kesari Pulao Saffron Flavoured Basmati Rice Assorted Indian Breads Plain, Garlic, Butter, Tandoori Roti DESSERT Gulab Jamun Khoya (Reduced Milk) Balls Deep-Fried To A Golden Colour And Immersed In Rose Flavoured Sugar Syrup. Rasmalai Fresh Cream Cheese Cakes Soaked In Reduced Sweetened Milk Topped With Pistachio Nuts Fresh Fruit Platter

Because of estate prices being on the verge of ridiculous, and families being fairly large, people in India live with their parents a lot longer than in the U.S. So if a girl’s boyfriend does not have the means to get his own place (as many don’t for some time), they will probably be living with the man’s parents for a while after marriage. Depending on your income and what part of the county you live, will determine your type of home. People living in popular cities with good to average income will generally have an apartment, but could have an Independent house. Others who have average income in smaller cities will choose a bungalow or might have an ancestral home. But people with low income could live in slums or hutments. Home Sweet Home

Apartments http://www.mumbailodging.com/UserFiles/111341Basicp.jpg http://www.mumbailodging.com/UserFiles/111341Basicp.jpg http://storage3d.com/storage/2010.10/03b5db907aa60ab24b0e8c5c5206a2ad.jpg http://www.newdelhihousing.com/UserFiles/aradhana-apartments.jpg http://www.essential-architecture.com/TYPE/Colaba_apartments.jpg

The B U N G A L O http://images.travelpod.com/users/mande/mai_and_ernie.1171459740.goa_and_om_beaches_-_02.jpg http://www.homedsgn.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Dinesh-Mills-Bungalow-02-750x500.jpg http://writinghood.com/literature/national/amusing-stories-behind-the-12-words-of-indian-origin-that-made-it-to-the-oxford-dictionary/ http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/e/e1/Bungalow.jpg/220px-Bungalow.jpg

The Slums http://stateofthenation.ca/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/mumbai.jpg

http://www.bugbog.com/images/galleries/india-pictures/A-india-photos/mumbai-india/mumbai-slums-india.jpg http://www.citycoastchurch.co.uk/images/indian-slums.jpg http://fotservis.typepad.com/photos/mother_india_calcutta_var/slums.jpg http://www.googlemonopoly.eu/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/bangalore_slum.jpg

Indian literature holds the mother as most important, most sacrificing and the noblest person in the universe. So I bet you can guess she has a very powerful role in the family. She exercises considerable power in family matters in addition to being the sole authority in household tasks. She makes important decisions for the family and has the right to evoke obedience from her children. But the role of women in India are always changing with the times. **Unlike in the U.S, women and men’s roles in India are likely not interchangeable – they are not up for personal choice or debate. But this could change with women expressing more liberated attitudes in regard to their status. Now days it is acceptable for both the husband and wife to work. Although, the woman is still supposed to carry the responsibilities of the household (husbands may offer help). Women’s Role

The married man is the provider and protector. He is expected to earn what’s needed for family in whatever way possible. He is supposed to take care of the labor-intensive and outdoor work. A male who isn’t able to provide for his family is not respected by society. Men’s Role

Dr. Vicki Ritts, St. Louis Community College, says, In India "Obedience to authority, passivity, and interdependence are highly valued”. Childhood is a sensitive time where children are moldable. So, the environment and parents are important to a child's growth. There is a rural-urban clash in child rearing patterns in India. Though some norms are: Child preference of boys over girls. Girls are said to cost the family much more money during life. children are held even after they can walk A child spends little time isolated in playpens or cribs Breast feeding Baby massage Co-Sleeping Some homes include aunts, uncles, and grandparents to stress importance of child-parent attachment and share child rearing responsibilities ! Potty training starts early; at 1 year Discipline is strict (scolding, yelling, smacking, spanking are acceptable), and mothers primarily have authority of obedience. **A study published by the "Journal of Pediatric Psychology" showed that physical punishment is more prevalent in India than the US. Child Rearing Patterns & Expectations

In the big cities their practices are common to the U.S. But it’s a different story in rural areas where these are common practices: Scarification Herbal remedies Opiates Little percentage of people are accepting of vaccinations Breastfeeding for years or feeding older infants only breast milk. Infanticide Child Rearing Patterns & Expectations Cont.

Until recently, divorce was not a option in India; Parents who could not find a lifetime mate for their children (especially daughters), should be frowned upon. India has cultural, religious, and social stigma linked with divorce. Most in India do not divorce, so there is little support for those who do. And, disapproval for divorced women is great, (worse than for men) which creates many different problems. Plus – it is difficult for a woman to leave her husband because of the doctrine of pativratya. “An unhappily married woman is supposed to accept her destiny”. Though divorced women are allowed to remarry, it is not common. Friendliness could be interpreted as immoral or sexually permissive. If the women does get re-married her family is still somewhat shamed of her. Divorce

With all that I now know about India, at first thought I would have to say that is different from the U.S. They have different marriage and dating customs, (henna, arranged marriage etc) different religion than most of the U.S (Hindu is most common in India), and different views on single men and women. But then again, are we that different? Both have a high rate of pre-marital sex, both have cohabitation going on, both are fairly hostile towards homosexuals, both have similar gender roles, and both have similar child rearing patters. India is changing every day, and accepting more modern practices and customs, of which are similar to the U.S. I think yes we are different only because of our ancestral history. But one thing I found to be common is that most want to live, dance, party, and be happy! India Vs. U.S.

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