Prior to listening to this lecture you should have read Chapter 9 in your textbook. In this lecture I will first add some commentary to the book’s excellent and extensive discussion of intercultural relationships based on some of my own experiences. Then I will analyze the relationship of Isa and Alex in Fools Rush In in the hopes that it will exemplify the nature of intercultural relationships.

I think the distinction the book made about what cultures most value in a romantic relationship is an important one: Love, physical attraction, shared values, shared goals, mutual caring and respect, etc. In fact, their choice of the term “romantic” relationship privileges the U.S. value of love and mutual attraction. While they did mention mail order brides, they did not discuss arranged marriages. Arranged marriages were the norm in many cultures and remain important for a few. Royal marriages in Europe were often arranged to unify the families of powerful rulers. During the time that Jane Austin wrote, middle and upper class woman in Britain were expected to marry someone whose connection (or money) would improve the family’s situation. People often married cousins to keep money (and titles) in the family. If you pick up a newspaper that caters to some immigrant groups, you will find marriage ads in them. The ads generally want to know the education, personality, religion, and sometimes skin tone of the prospective bride. Also, there is a desire to improve the standing of the family through an appropriate marriage. Generally, U.S. Americans struggle to understand how an arranged marriage could work. First, I should point out that in most arranged marriages, the couple has a chance to meet and then decide if they are interested in one another. One of my previous 103 students, who had grown up abroad, dated a young man throughout high school. When they graduated he broke up with her because he knew he had to marry a woman his parents selected from within his ethnic group. Generally U.S. Americans affiliate Saudi Arabia with arranged marriages and harsh restrictions on the movements of women. When I traveled to Saudi Arabia, I had the opportunity to stay with a family, who had three daughters and a son. I did not meet the wife/mother because she was on a business trip during my visit. But I met the three daughters. The middle, and most traditional, daughter had an arranged marriage. She was a well-educated woman but had few personal interactions with men outside the family. She asked me, rhetorically, how she could possibly select her own mate with so little experience. Her parents had much more knowledge of the world and knew her well, so they were in the best position to choose a partner for her. Her mother had identified a potential husband for her daughter through her business. The couple met, and they liked each other sufficiently to agree to the marriage. She told me that she thought that first respect came and then love followed. The eldest daughter had chosen her own husband. They met when he was a client at her place of employment. They liked each other, fell in love, and married—I assume with parental approval, but that wasn't the impetus for the marriage. The youngest daughter I met only briefly. She was 19. When she got home and took off her abeya (the traditional covering that Saudi women wear), she was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. In fact, she looked like most of my undergraduate students. She couldn’t join us that night at dinner because she was going to a party in the desert with a friend. When I asked her sisters whether she would choose her own husband, they both answered in the affirmative. So even within the same family in Saudi Arabia, I encountered three very different stories.

As the book states, U.S. Americans prioritize mutual physical attraction and “love” when selecting a mate. Yet divorce statistics indicate that a more complex notion of what a marriage involves is needed if the relationship is to succeed. Let’s look at intercultural relationships in the movie Fools Rush In. Alex and Isa personify the value for mutual physical attraction in their first meeting: a sexual encounter. She then seeks him out to tell him she is pregnant because she thinks he has a right to know although she expects to raise the child on her own. After spending the evening together at Isa’s family dinner, they then decide they are “in love” and marry that same night. Alex’s memorable line that Isa is “everything I never knew I always wanted” captures the U.S. American value for romantic love nicely. Her father was not happy to meet him. He doesn’t believe their marriage is legitimate because they weren’t married by a priest and with her family present. So she married knowing that her father would not approve—in fact, he briefly disowns her in the movie. While perhaps the rest of her family was not thrilled with her choice, they accepted the marriage quickly. It takes her father a while longer to accept it. Alex withholds knowledge of the marriage from his parents. Recall that they visit him by surprise after Cathy Stewart, a friend of the family who encounters Isa by accident in a restaurant, tells them he is married. Thus, we find that neither Isa nor Alex give their family any input into their decision to marry, which exemplifies the value of individual choice in U.S. culture. It is clear that both fathers object to the marriage, but that is not what creates problems in their relationship. Shared values are probably the most important mark of a strong marriage. Isa and Alex differ in their values about religion, relational communication and sharing, and the meaning of family. Religion and culture are the topic of their first conversation. After their marriage, he swears in shock when he sees the large crucifix on their wall when her family redecorates. Even though he isn’t religious and doesn’t follow the religion in which he was raised, he does not want the child raised Catholic. He takes a Marxist stance on religion and rejects the notion of destiny. Isa, however, feels strongly about her religion as shown by her frequent visits to the church to light candles, so she thinks he should let her raise their child in the beliefs with which she was raised. They don’t resolve the issue but later both apologize. In the end, he believes in signs and “doesn’t want to tempt fate,” and she claims not to. This exemplifies the intercultural “learning” that the book mentions. Isa wants to talk everything through, discussing issues and problems, even when she is on the toilet. Both seem to compromise in the relationship. Upon meeting her family at the first family dinner, Alex thinks they are great. After the marriage he went out with her brothers, who question and challenge him about moving her to NYC. He accepts the redecorations of the house. She is surprised he “doesn’t live” in Las Vegas. LV is her home and where “her family, her life, and her work” as a photographer are. However, she eventually agrees to compromise, to move to New York if that is where his work is. They agreed not to move until the baby is born. She is willing to confront a problem when it occurs. However, Alex avoids difficult conversations. He lies about his parents’ whereabouts, about telling them about the marriage, about the demands of his job. He doesn’t tell her when his boss tells him he is expected back in NY sooner than they had thought. For her this was the last straw. These moments nicely demonstrate how different communicative norms and cultural values create the challenges that occur in intercultural relationships. She does not believe that their relationship can survive, so she lies and says she has lost the baby. Their sense of the meaning of family varies greatly. She thinks it means sharing information and decisions, spending time together—choosing furniture for the baby’s room. While she clearly believes that work is important, for her, family is the highest priority. After Alex’s conversation with his boss, his work becomes primary. His professional goals are far more important that pleasing Isa or maintaining family harmony. In their big argument following Isa finding out about the NY job, Alex says “I’ve worked too long and too hard” … to which she responds “to what? To share your life with someone who loves you, who cares for you. Alex, you have to be there every day…you don’t include me, why are you afraid of me, why do you alienate me from your life.” The conflict culminates when she says that “you don’t understand the concept of a family, to you it is something you put up with on holidays. Love is a gift not an obligation.” He responds “this is the brass ring, and I’m not giving it up because one night I put a $5 ring on your finger in front of Elvis as a witness.” Her family fully supports her—the father slams the door in his face when he seeks her out after she breaks up with him at the hospital. So any relationship he had created with them was fully predicated on his marriage to her. Only her great grandmother challenges her to accept her “love”. Conflict over values and goals often leads to termination of the intercultural relationship. When family is of high value, they would always side with their sister/daughter and may break all connections to the former spouse. As with all romantic comedies, there is a happy ending. At the end of the movie we find an enlightened Alex and a trusting Isa. They remarry in a traditional religious ceremony in the desert that includes both families. The book argues that the benefits of an intercultural relationship are knowledge, skills, and breaking stereotypes. We see the increase in knowledge about one another and their cultures throughout the movie. Both improve their skills at negotiating their needs and desires. Although some of Alex’s comments in the movie are questionable, it is not clear that Alex and Isa hold stereotypes of one another’s cultures. However, their families certainly do. Recall that Alex’s parents thought Isa was “the housekeeper,” and her parents did not think that Presbyterian was a religion. The fathers exchange a series of insults when they first meet. I think these scenes indicate the challenges that can occur when the families don’t accept the new spouse. Respect is a strong value for many cultures, including Mexican culture, so such interactions make building relationships more challenging. Many intercultural relationships end due to the problems illustrated in this movie.

Intercultural Relationships Experiences and Fool Rush In

Romantic Relationships Arranged Marriages History Marriage Ads Saudi Arabia Mother worked and traveled alone. One daughter had an arranged marriage. Two daughters chose their husbands.

Fools Rush In Mutual attraction and love Individual not collective decision to marry Shared Values Religion Relational Communication and Sharing Meaning of Family Conclusion