GRIEF … And How We Can Learn To Live With It. Coach Joensson christin.joensson@coachjoensson.com www.coachjoensson.com Photos made by the Swedish photographer Thorsten Imme. Website: www.bilfotografen.se/spader13.htm Copyright © 2009 COACH JOENSSON – Christin Joensson. All Rights Reserved.

Copyright © 2009 COACH JOENSSON – Christin Joensson. All Rights Reserved. Denial Generally, our first reaction when confronted with grief, be it related to death and bereavement, the loss of a meaningful relationship or other, tend to be denial. We can get into the direct denial “I can’t believe this is happening to me!”. We can also feel numb, like being half asleep and not wanting to wake up to reality because that would be too hard to deal with. During this stage we often tend to isolate ourselves and step back from family and friends; we look for the proverbial deep whole to hide in. This period can last from a few moments over several months. We all have our own paste in grieving and it’s very difficult to say how long this period should last. However, it is also not healthy to stay in this condition for too long.

Copyright © 2009 COACH JOENSSON – Christin Joensson. All Rights Reserved. Anger In this stage we might have left most or all of the denial behind us and now we are getting angry about the loss. We can be angry at the person who, through death or because they decided not to be with us any more, left us and thus caused this deep hurt and pain. We might be angry at ourselves for not having dealt with the situation better and for letting it happen. Here it doesn’t matter if someone died because of a terminal illness where realistically nothing could have been done anyway. We might also just be angry at the world and our environment in general. A dying person can be furious about his/her destiny and can project this anger onto anyone who comes near, i.e. doctors, nurses, social workers, life partners, family and friends. This displayed anger can make it hard to care for a person in this stage, may it be someone who is dying or someone who is suffering another great loss.

Copyright © 2009 COACH JOENSSON – Christin Joensson. All Rights Reserved. Bargaining After the anger we come into the stage where we start to bargain. We try to mix the cards again to get a better hand, a better destiny. Of course we also have to put in a stake and we often offer a different (better) behavior. “I only things could get back to what they were before this hurt came, I promise I will …” “If only I had …” “If only I hadn’t …” If we are grieving a lost relationship we can start negotiating with the lost partner in an effort to get them back, saying “If only you come back to me again, I promise I will change.” In the case of a dying person, the bargain can be in the line of stalling time and in exchange for a few more weeks, months or years of life they promise to become a better person.

Copyright © 2009 COACH JOENSSON – Christin Joensson. All Rights Reserved. Depression This is the time of deep and profound sadness. It’s the stage where we feel helpless and powerless about the loss and we might also find it impossible to bear. In this stage we often display sadness in every form there is, all from withdrawing, feeling numb and crying. It can be hard to get close to the grieving person during this period because often visitors are refused. Cheerfulness and normal everyday life can seem to be just too much to deal with. This is a normal reaction and the person affected should be allowed the space to go through this in his/her own pace. A dying person also needs this time to reflect upon approaching death.

Copyright © 2009 COACH JOENSSON – Christin Joensson. All Rights Reserved. Acceptance This is the stage where we mostly have gone through all the previous stages. Passing the stages before may often also included dealing with them in intervals, going from denial over anger into bargaining and depression to get back to denial again. When all the stages have been gone through and dealt with we reach the state of accepting the situation, accepting the reality of the loss. We are learning to live with the sadness and the pain and we start to function again. The sadness might never go away entirely but it becomes a part of our existence and we are able to get back to life again. Related to a dying person this phase is seen as the end of the struggle, the final peaceful stage before death.

Copyright © 2009 COACH JOENSSON – Christin Joensson. All Rights Reserved. Reality of the Loss By understanding the various steps involved with grieving we can also better understand both our own process and that of others. It‘s important that you allow yourself to be human and to go through the whole process in your own individual time and way. During this development there are two important aspects to accept: One is to accept that the person has died (or left our life) and will not return. The other is to face and deal with the changes and new challenges that this deep loss brings upon our life.

Copyright © 2009 COACH JOENSSON – Christin Joensson. All Rights Reserved. Experiencing grief Everyone who loses someone they love also experience the pain of grief, be it that the loved one has died or that he/she has decided that they no longer want to be a part of the other person’s life. Often enough friends and family tend to give the advice to “cheer up and look at life on the bright side”. No matter how well-meaning this is, it may lead to the grieving person feeling insecure, misunderstood and lonely. If the sadness is not allowed to be felt there is no proper way of dealing with the grief and the healing process will only be prolonged. This avoidance can have very negative consequences for the body and mind as cutting off our feelings is never a healthy thing to do. Grief is a natural state of dealing with great personal loss and we need to give ourselves and others the permission to deal with it.

Copyright © 2009 COACH JOENSSON – Christin Joensson. All Rights Reserved. The way back to life Even if we all might experience the deep loss of a loved one, no feeling amongst people are ever exactly the same. We all grieve in our own way and in our own time. When the stage of acceptance is there, which of course is not the same as approval, we recognize the need to “get back again”, leaving the place of sadness and re-integrating into life again. This life might be full of new tasks and situations to be handled and a strong network can be invaluable to help us getting through these initial hurdles. Realize that you might need support and ask for it. This is not a sign of weakness but of insight, realizing that you might need the knowledge of others to deal with new challenges and the new life ahead of you.